I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
