New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
