Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
