That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
