naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
