i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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