I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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