I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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