my phone needs a breathalizer
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
