fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think im going to throw up on grandma
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
