I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
