grandma shit on top of the toilet
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
