i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
