fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
