you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
