Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
