My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
