So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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