I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
