wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
