Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
