Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
