I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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