Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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