Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
