A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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