ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
