fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Randomize
