dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
