Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
