so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
