i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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