There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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