Pants 0. Shit 1.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
