Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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