he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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