Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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