My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
