First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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