woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
