I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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