Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
