Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
