You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
