Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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