I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
