my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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