I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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