did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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