We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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