so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
