someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
