I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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