made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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