My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
