okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
