imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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