All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
