bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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