he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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